Words around my body

 

Always trying to discover more about myself. I’m the one, as you should be the one in your own lives. However, I still feel I don’t know myself very well. I’ve been so busy imitaing others I thought they could be my inspiration. I was also busy trying to change things I don’t like in myself with more and less success, depending on the topic. I believe I turned into a very disciplined person (I used to be so carefree as a child) and polite (I was really insolent when little) and now I even go running at least three times a week! (I hated sports for such a long time). But those are things I can do with myself, and they don’t make me feel closer to my true essence, my true being. (I’m being very phylosophical today). What are the three ideas you’d stand for? What are the sounds, the smells and tastes you’ll keep with you forever? What do you love most? What do you fear most? What are the three things you did by yourself? In which places are the roads you travel along?

I’m not a person of ideals because I like listening to others and discovering new points of view, which sometimes makes me feel a bit insecure or a bit confused. There’s so much variety, so much things we need to think about before make and statement! Nevertheless, after several minutes wondering, I think I got the three ideas I’ll defend no matter what.

1. I feel that we’re just human beings and we shouldn’t be considered just in case of sex or gender. I hate when someone treats me differently for being a woman. I don’t like sooo many aspects of the word “woman” itself (aspects which seem to be attached to the term). I’m a human being and very different to others, that’s all. I’d like to consider others the same.

2. I believe we should respect other’s decisions no matter what we think or consider about them. This is not that easy, I know. What about a psyco who decides that killing others is perfectly logical in their world? So let’s re-state this and I’ll say we should respect other’s decisions as long as those don’t imply to harm others.

3. Love and gratitude are two things that should be respected above all. I think they are great values.

Sounds I’ll always remember?

1. The sea sound. I was born very far away from the sea. I’m not used to it, so whenever I’ve the chance of listening to it I find it magical. It’s like a living creature breathing. It’s so misterious.

2. Harp sound. Of all instruments, it’s the one which makes me feel closer to my inner being. Piano is also wonderful, but harp has (again) this extraordinary fascination for me (as I can play piano myself but not harp).

Smells I’ll always keep for me?

1. The smell of nature after the rain. Again, I was born in a place where rain is just an unpleasant circumstance we just get every two months or so. Therefore, this deep smell (the smell of life, actually!) is something I can enjoy in very specific occasions. So I like to keep it for myself.

2. The smell of candles has been always associated in my life with important moments. Birthdays, relaxation, rituals… It’s very spiritual and somehow sacred.

Tastes I’ll always recall on?

1. Chai tea with milk. Because I only drink it when I’m not at home, in the expensive coffes where I can find it and often with a friend or so, Chai tea is my favouirte tea ever. It means cinammon, interesting conversations, free-time, inspiration… In the darkness and cool of Winter and never-ending Februaries chai tea brings sunshine.

2. Leche merengada. A Spanish drink more or less the equivalent of Chai Tea but the cold version of it (and without tea). Again, I don’t drink it at home, just in terrazas in summer with friends, at holydays… When the heat is unbearable the leche merengada is precisely the thing my tired body craves for.

The things my eyes will always remember?

1. The Highlands of Scotland. I’ve never seen lanscapes like that in my life. The despeair of those empty dark mountains touched my heart and I’ll always lose my breath in front of them… or even remembering them, as I do now.

2. The savage nature of Ireland. Because it made me feel so miniature, only a tiny spot in the hugeness of universe. I understood religion for the first time there, because in those infinite forests I could feel there was something bigger than humanity, something indomitable, omnipotent. Nature? Gods? Spirits? Who knows…

In my heart forever…?

1. Art and enjoying company of others. Art because it makes me feel part of the universe. The company of other human beings because it gives me the pleasure of being part of the universe.

What fears I keep in my stomach?

1. Fear of pain. More specific, fear of voumiting. I’ve had this phobia since I was seven or so. I don’t know why but there it is. And it makes me feel a blind illogical but powerful fear, similar to the one wild animals may experiment in front of fire…

2. Fear of wrong decissions. Sometimes my life seems to be this endless race in which I can only win or lose, nothing else. And wrong decissions are like avenging spirits that chase me all the time without giving me rest.

What are the three things I did by myself?

1. Writing several books. It’s not easy. It implies doing the same, and the same and the same (writing and streaching your mind, in this case) for days, months… even years! It’s like being pregnant and then deliver the child. And I did it, all by miself, so I’m really proud of it!

2. Finishing a degree. Some people may say that nowadays a degree means nothing because everyone has one. Well, I don’t think every single person on this Earth has a university degree, to beging with. And second, it took me years of effort, sacrifice and enthusiasm. And now that I got it and I see I’m wiser than when I started… I feel really happy and tons of gratitude for all the teachers that gave me chance to acquire knowledge. I don’t know everything now, of course not, but my horizons have expanded a lot since 2010. And I’m proud of that as well.

3. Speaking a language different than my own. Being able of speking my mind in another language than the one I was raised in feels… unique. As a non-native speaker I’ll always be learning new things and commiting mistakes. But I don’t care as I know now I can communicate with others and that’s more than enough. I also achieved this by myself and I feel very proud.

And eventually… where are the places I wondered around?

1. Spain. I was born here and yep, I’ve been in many places. I love Spain because it’s so much. It’s the South, the North, the Mediterranean, the Atlantic… everything is different, and old, and… español. That’s it. I’m not a nacionalistic but I like traveling around Spain, I must say. Probably because it’s linked to my chilhood and this was a very cheery moment in my life.

2. Ireland. Nature, solitude, religion and spiritualism. Ireland is like that dark part in my soul, always surrounded by mist and uncertainties. And so beautiful. I’ve walked around Ireland by myself in complete loneliness and still I was not afraid. I was happy with myself in a way I’ve never felt again since.

3. London. It was the explosion of my creativity. I felt this city was so full of strange stories, extravagant characters. I could heard their voices mixed with the Thame’s current. I loved this grey but still impressive metropoli for the first time I saw it.

4. Paris. There were so many stories in Paris as well. But different ones from London. They were gleaming, colorful, intense. I didn’t felt excentricity but the attraction of a bohemian life and freedom.

5. Scotland. I grew up in Scotland. I got over my panic attacks there, which was a huge positive change in my life. But Scotland, with its dark mornings and its misty days showed me the true meaning of solitude. Solitude was this cold bite, this bottomless hole inside my soul I couldn’t fill with anything. It scared so much to discover this. Scotland.